Fear and Control

I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. Like, why is it that the older I get, the more I hang onto my fears? Is it because I feel in control of them when I hang on? Or is it that I just have a huge lack of faith in my God who is bigger than any fear I could conjure up? As I ponder these and other questions, I realize that I am one pathetic little human. I have a God who controls the universe and beyond (if there is a beyond, which I think there is). He is bigger than, well, the boogie man and He loves me and cares for me. Why then can I not let go of my fears? Why the constant need to control, or try to control, the circumstances which are beyond my control? Why do I not just give up and give in to my all knowing God? Let Him take my burden? It all boils down to Romans. Its my old man. I have put him to death, but his stinking flesh keeps surfacing and like the wretched person I am, I take him back.

My answer to all of this is more of God, more of Jesus, more of Him who loves me more than I could ever know. He who is faithful, when I am so faithless. He who chases after me, though I stray often. He who wants to take my fears and cover them with His love. His love is the absence of all fear. In Him is the joy I lack. In Him is the fullness of life. Abundant life. Life that pours out into others. So, I must choose... Fear and Control (or rather, the illusion of control) or Joy and Life.

Musings about Muse... Hmmm.

When I started reading Twilight (the series), I became fully engrossed in the books and vampire-lore behind them. I wanted to find out everything I could about the books, the author, the movie, the actors in the movie, etc. You get it, I was (still am) a little obsessed. One thing I found on the author's website was a playlist for each book. The songs on the playlist were what she listened to while writing that particular book, or her musical inspiration. I promptly added several of the songs to my iPod and started listening (first time I actually used my iPod since I HAD to have it last February). In various interviews, etc., she had gone on and on about Muse and how much they influenced her writing. Now, I've heard of Muse, but never payed any attention to them. Now I am wondering why. I've started listening to them and I just can't seem to get enough. I love them. Darn me for ignoring them. And we even have some of their CD's. Anyway, I really enjoy them. I really wish I had payed attention sooner. Oh well, I'll just get what I can now.

Twilight Countdown...

A clutsy brunette, an uber-hot vampire and unorthodox love

So, I started the Twilight series on Sunday, September 21st. I finished the series a little over a week later on Tuesday, September 30th. I really enjoyed it. I rarely get emotional when reading, but there were definitely parts of this series that had me absolutely heart-broken and other parts where I was singing with excitement. It was a little strange to be so emotionally wrapped up in a book. But it was a great experience. I am definitely buying the books (I borrowed them). It is a series I will be reading again.

I also spent some time on the author's (Stephenie Meyer) website. She has playlists for each of the books, which I promptly put together and added to my iPod (which I've started using, a year and a half later). Its pretty cool to recognize where the songs all fit into the story.

I'm excited for the movie, which is coming out November 21st (Happy Birthday, Abi). Some people are a little hesitent toward the movie, but I think it will be good. The author has been very hands on with the production and has signed off on all the changes that were made. The director says the film is based on the book, it is not a movie (scene for scene) of the book. So, going into the movie with that expectation, I don't think I will be disappointed. I really like the cast they picked. While some fans don't think they fit the characters, I have to disagree. Maybe it is because I saw the trailer and cast before I read the book, but I think they did good on casting. And Rob Pattinson (Edward) is pretty darn hot. Mmmmmm. Rob Pattinson.

Now that life is moving on from Twilight... Well, I don't know that it has, but now that I am not spending every moment with my nose pressed in the book, life has been... barely holding together at best. Some days are better than others. Its just so frustrating to be in a situation that you cannot do anything about but trust God and know that whatever happens He is still God and still in control and knows what is going to happen. And its hard to trust God like that. That kind of trust doesn't come easy, but we are commanded to put our trust in God, so we do. But there are times when my trust, or faith, waivers and I get depressed and want to dig more holes to crawl into. Then I talk to my mom and she always reminds me to just spend time in the word and in prayer.

I am working on getting our HS girls small group going. Alli has decided not to be apart of it. I'm a little conflicted in how I feel about that, but I support her decision. I think it is important to continue this with the girls, since we started it last year. We have a lot more girls now. I think the number of girls that want to be involved has doubled since last year. We have between 8 and 10 girls that want to do it. I have asked DawnMarie to pray about helping me out, as I definitely need someone to assist me. If she decides she can't do it, I'll need to find someone else, so if you think about it... pray that 1) DawnMarie will be willing and able to do it or 2) that God will show me who else to pursue.

Its almost bedtime for my sorry self, so I will chat at you later. Much love.

A new beginning...

So, I had this spiritual revelation the other day... I have been struggling for awhile now, in my walk with the Lord, in life, pretty much with everything. Granted, circumstances have not been ideal for the past 9 months or so... Anyway, I was reading an old journal entry where I wrote that I felt broken and empty. As I was reading it, I was like, "I still feel like that." A year later, nothing had really changed. It really made me evaluate my life and my walk with the Lord. Now, when I say I felt (or feel) broken, its not a feeling of being broken before the Lord, but more of being broken, like a toy gets broken. I don't work. Something is wrong. So, I got my bible and the little Daily Light my mom gave me several years ago. I started praying and asking the Lord to speak to me. It was so awesome because I read the Daily Light entry for that day (morning) and it said:

I have seen his ways, and will heal him.

I am the Lord that healeth thee.
O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. Thou hast set our iniquities before thee, our secret sins in the light of thy countenance. All things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. He is gracious unto him, and saith, Deliver him from going down to the pit: I have found a ransom. He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him: and with his stripes we are healed. He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted. Thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

It was so awesome. It totally encouraged me. Revived my spirits and gave me a new passion for God. It seems so simple, but I have just been on auto-pilot for so long that I was dry and empty and broken. Auto-pilot wasn't working.

Anyway, I am excited to see what the Lord has for me. I'm beginning a new small group with our high school girls at church, which I am actually leading. I know that I am going to have to be filled in order to pour out to them, but I know that God is faithful and He promises to fill us with what we need. I need a lot.

I'm also amazed at how faithful God is, especially when I am not. He continues to provide for us again and again. Through garage sales, someone anonymously giving us a gas card, even someone doing my dishes while I wasn't home... All huge blessings.

On a more earthly level, Ricky has been driving us all crazy. I don't know if its his age or what, but he is such a naughty little kitty. He has major attitude too. He is usually pretty sweet for most of the day, but once evening hits he starts scratching the couches non-stop and is an overall turd. I can't figure out what his deal is. We give him attention, but he doesn't want to be touched or held. Maybe he wants to be played with more, but I can't devote my entire day to entertaining and playing with Ricky. We've got a few ideas up our sleeves. What to do with a naughty kitty???

Update on the Digit

My injured finger has almost completely healed. It has a tiny speck of a scab left. Other than that, the skin has regrown over the entire surface that was cut off. Its amazing. It even regrew its rounded shape at the top. I was a little worried about that, as the doctor didn't think the shape would return. I would always have a flat finger tip. Bodies are fascinating in how they work and how they are designed. It makes me glad to know my Creator.

Days gone by and far removed

I recently found bits of my past online. Faces and names I haven't thought about for a very long time. Its odd how little things like faces and names can bring back a thousand memories. Over the past couple days since I found them, I've continued to remember all these little things. Spaces in time that I thought were lost. Wished were lost. Yet, I find myself now almost relishing their memory. Fondly reliving them. I find it stranger still how many years later one can still be so affected by those faces and names. Awake now, I find that this was all a dream.